What makes sharing so hard?
Sharing is much more than giving a toy to another child. Your child must have at least a little understanding of other’s thoughts and feelings to comprehend what another child might want in play and why they want it. Sharing requires your child to recognize and manage some of their own feelings as well, which is a difficult task even for older children. It requires impulse control to not grab toys from others, and patience to wait your turn for toys. There might be a sequence of events that takes place before another child is ready to share with them. A child must also have the language to express their wants and needs in that moment. With so many skills to apply to a fast-paced and sometimes unpredictable play situation with another child, it’s no wonder our toddlers need our support! So, let’s talk about how we can work on supporting sharing skills for our little ones as they grow…
Skills 1-2 Year Olds are working on:
Emerging understanding of “me” and “you,” that different social situations have different rules, and how their language can be applied in different social situations. They are still exploring the functions of toys and how they go together, and mostly engage in parallel play with other children. They may engage in other forms of social play with adults.
Some of the Skills Needed to Share:
◦ Understanding others & the social scene
◦ Language for the situation
◦ Waiting & impulse control
◦ The sequence of “First, then…”
◦ Emotional control
Social Play Skills:
Parallel Play (1-2 years old)
I can play next to another child and we each have our own set of toys. Your child might glance at what others are doing, and might imitate something they saw. They will imitate adults more often.
Associative Play (2-3+ years)
I can share the same set of toys with another child. The child will practice trading and taking turns with some adult support. They will imitate others more often. They can participate in simple group activities.
How To Begin Supporting Sharing Skills
Build your child’s understanding around sharing
Using positive language, praise, and highlighting concepts
You can build your child’s understanding of skills that go into sharing by practicing and highlighting important language. Your child will be more receptive to learning these concepts from you because you are a predictable, supportive, and trusted adult. Highlight words like “me,” “you,” “mine,” and “yours” when playing, along with gestures to show who you are talking about. Draw your child’s attention to their own emotions and other children’s emotions with simple labels for feelings. Speak empathetically about feelings. Practice language for “first…then” and “wait,” using positive tone of voice, opportunities where you know there can be success, and lots of praise. Lots of learning happens through watching others, so model sharing too!
Recognize you can shape thinking & boundaries
When your child does not have the internal skills yet, they look to you for support
Your child is building a lot of thinking skills, and those can take quite a long time to develop. In fact, children don’t fully develop all their high-level cognitive capabilities until their mid-twenties. So we as parents act as their external model and teacher for all of those internal thinking skills we want them to have. When your child looks like they’re having trouble handling a situation, pause and recognize the skills that are needed. Verbally empathize with your child’s feelings and situation and recognize the other child’s position as well. When your child wants what belongs to someone else, let them know you will help them ask for a turn and then wait. Help redirect them to something else that will help them wait their turn. Give your child the language they need to let others know they’re not done, if another child wants something your child has. Let your child know it’s ok if they finish playing, and then they can practice offering the other child a turn when they’re done.